A Wedding at the Nuthouse
by Cartmanbrah
Summary: Joker finally decided to oficialize his romance with Harley. How? The only way he knows how: murder, mayhem and laughter. Oh, and making Bats be his best man against his will
1. The best joke yet

**Author's note:** This is my first Batfick (holy horrible pun, Batman) , so I hope I'm doing alright outside my usual comfort zone (South Park)

"Harley! Get dressed; we're robing a jewelry store"

Joker liked to think himself as an agent of chaos and unpredictability. A man so unhinged, so demented, and so unstable that there was simply no telling what he was going to do next. His plans were insane, his behavior was demented and he loved every minute of it.

And if there was one thing he loved was comedy. From the great classics of Chaplin to the modern masterpiece of slapstick "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", he loved a good joke.

Take his relationship, for example. Even Harley was a joke, albeit one of his favorites

First, she is supposed to "cure" him and next thing you know, she's joining the funny farm dressed as a clown and swinging a giant hammer: funny

Then, no matter how horribly he treats her, she still looks at him like she needs his deformed face to breathe: hilarious

But the real joke, the one that made him keep her, the one he measured up there with his best material (like killing the second boy-blunder and taking the commissioner to carnival) was this: out of all those people, all those heroes and criminals, you name it. Bats, the cat-lady, the weed, Dent, pengers, the bird boys, Nygma… he, the most demented and unstable of them all, was the only one with a happy and stable relationship that didn't end every other Thursday for some stupid reason. It really made him laugh to no end.

Which brings us to our current situation: every joke needs a punch line. Everyone and their dogs would jump at the conclusion he would never do this and if he did, he'd have an ulterior motive to. What if he actually did it but had no ulterior motive? They'd loose their minds trying to figure this one out. Now was the time. Get ready for the punch line, harls

"But Mr. J, we just robbed a bank yesterday. We're good on cash for a few days." Harley said with a drowsy voice coming from the bedroom.

"I say when we're good on cash, you useless waste of space. Get yourself in the car or I'll put you in the car!" He screamed to her as he donned his purple suit

"Rocco! Bob! We're going out. Get the machine guns"

Purple suit? Check. Loyal henchmen? Check. Car? Check. Bag to collect the valuables? Check. All that is missing is that worthless dame

He had something special in mind for today. He had come to the realization he wanted this yesterday. And it wasn't in a pretty situation or something romantic. Hell no. They were at the bank, making an "undocumented withdraw" and he found out that Harley had forgot a tiny little detail: she forgot their guns. So now, they were in the middle of a firefight with the police, unarmed and in no condition to get to the car. If Rocco didn't drive the damned thing through the bank's door, they'd be either at Arkham or the morgue right now. His exact words to her were "I swear, you useless dame, one of these days you'll be the end of me", to which she answered "Yeah? Guess that means you're stuck with me till that happens, pudding"

And he realized she had a point: he was stuck with her. And he tried to get rid of her, more than once. Throwing her from a building didn't work, shooting her didn't work, her thinking he was dead didn't work, blasting her to oblivion in a rocket didn't work… that dumb broad was harder to shake than AIDS. Note to self: ask Bats how he god rid of that ninja lady he was making HA HA with.

Joker went into the bedroom to find a very sleepy Harley trying to get dressed. She looked like the last thing she wanted to do was go out today. If she only knew…

"HARLEY!" He screamed with his usual voice "Get your buttocks out of the bed and into the car!"

"Yes, sir, Mr. J!" She answered in the best cheerful tone her exhausted state could manage.

As the drive progressed, Harley's situation only got worse. She fell asleep twice, which made Joker so fucking pissed he nearly pulled the plug on the whole thing and shot her(like that would work). He probably would wind up taking care of her while she was injured and the thought of it made him angrier than when the Bat said she was smarter than him. Taking a breath to calm himself, he made the henchmen stop at a Starbucks and proceeded to the jewelry store.

As the henchmen and Harley ransacked the place, he was eying the whole thing up and down looking for a ring. It rather surprised him how much actual thought he was putting into it, but if he's gonna do this, he's gonna do it the right way. He looked through them, discarding most of the options because they reminded him of one of the idiots he called "friends". A green one that reminded him of the plant, one adorned with birds that reminded him of Cobblepot, one with two colors that reminded him of Dent…

Then he saw it. Red ruby and black all over. If she was gonna like of those rings, it's this one. He smashed the display glass and stored it in his pocket, shoving a bunch of other jewels into the bag so no one would find it suspicious. That's when he heard a very familiar sound: police sirens. Perfect!

"I guess it's time to go, boys! Would you be so kind and take these to the hideout?" He said, pointing at the jewels

"Um… sure boss…" Rocco said, confused at the request "What about you and Harley?"

"We'll manage, now get going!" He said, shoving the henchmen out the door

"Um… Mr. J? What do we do?" Harley asked, more confused than Rocco at her pudding's 'plan'

"Why, we surrender!" He answered, smiling at her. To which she responded by freaking out and beating his head with her hammer

"YOU LOUSY LITTLE CREEP, I'LL KILL YOU! I just wanted to stay home and watch a movie but NOOOO! Thanks to you, I'm spending the night at the loony bin!"

"Honey! Sweetie! Pumpkin pie" he tried to plea with her in between the hits. Two cops walked in to arrest them, their faces slightly surprised the scene wasn't happening the other way around. One of the cops even said "I used to think SHE was the one taking the beatings". All standard procedure up until now. Joker found it rather weird that they only sent one car to the scene, but made no more judgment of it. As they rode on the back of the police car, Harley kept screaming the entire time

"You slime! I'll make you pay for this one, you useless piece of…" The sight of the gun that Joker was pulling from his sock interrupted her. What an outrage! They didn't even send two GOOD cops to catch them! Maybe some of the other wackos is throwing a party in the other side of town

Joker carefully placed the ring in the pocket of the driver before…

"Well, buckle up, kiddos! This is gonna be a bumpy ride…" and shot the driver.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA" Was the only sound coming from J's mouth while the car spiraled out of control and Harley tried to fight off the passenger. They crashed the car against an empty, dark alley. As they were tied up, Harley and Joker got off with a few minor bruises, while the passenger died on the crash.

"Ha ha, that was fun, wasn't it pumpkin?" He shot his hands up as he saw Harley pointing a gun to his face.

"Alright, 'puddin'! What the hell was that?" She asked in a tone he rarely ever heard.

"Um… pumpkin, you better check the driver's pockets before killing me…" He said in his mock-frailty voice.

She looked back and forward between him and the driver and decided to go with it. They both knew she was not gonna shoot him. At least not in the face, she might kneecap him for that. She checked the driver's pockets and found the most beautiful red and black ring inside. She eyed it for a second, trying to piece the whole scenario together.

"M…. Mr. J? Is that a?" She asked, her face a trembling smile. He just smiled back and nodded.

That was it! What she always wanted ever since she met him. Hell, she never thought he'd actually do it. She didn't even know if he had a legal register to get married, but there he was. Down to one knee. The clown she always loved

"Harley?" He asked, "Will you marry me?"

"Yes sir, Mr. J" she answered, jumping over him to a kiss, happy tears covering her face


	2. Name? Age? Place of Birth?

**Author's quote:** "Everyone sees him laugh but only she sees him cry" Arleen Sorkeen

To say Harley was happy was the understatement of the decade. She was ecstatic! She was on cloud fucking nine! Hell, she could spend the entire weekend on Arkham Asylum filled with meds and shock therapy and she would be bearing a huge smile on her face. However, she was also confused. Marriage was the combination of everything her pudding hated most: the law, commitment, serious stuff, routine, certainty…

He hated certainty. He always liked the fact that he never knew his name. A named meant he was human. That there was someone behind the laughter. Over the years and with her psychiatric skills, she came to the conclusion that the idea of being someone before being the Joker terrified him simply because he feared he wasn't that special after all. It would mean he was just a regular Joe who had a bad day. However, she would never say it aloud. He did have a few candidates to his possible name and past, though. Every now and then, he would wake up screaming in terror in the middle of the night, say a name and destroy a part of the carnival they lived in. "Jack Napier", and he shot the carrousel with pistols. "Edward Blake!" and he would throw grenades in the glass house. "Jerome Velaska" and shotguns to a school bus that had been marooned in the parking lot. Sure, it made some nights with her a living hell, but at least he was at 'piece' when the morning came

Harley's doubts were only made stronger today.

He woke up screaming again. A loud squeal that got Harley scared he was actually hurt this time. She tried to hold him but he was still breathing loudly and confused

"Edward Blake…" He said at first. He breathed for a second trying to calm himself down. Harley was getting used to the calm when again he said "Jerome Velaska". This time, he was looking at her. He reserved this look only for her. No one could ever see him weak. Only her.

"Puddin? They're all coming back?" she said, concerned

"Yes! Ed, Jerome, Jack, Jonathan, another Jack… Everyone! I need some… I have to…" And he ran off to his usual antics of blowing up the carnival.

That's what happened when her Puddin' got the slightest memory of his own past. The whole idea seems even more bogus now than it did a few hours ago. Why in the hell would a guy so afraid of constancy and normality ever want to get married? It made no sense at all. This had to be the worst name crisis he's ever had. Usually, he'd get one memory and be done with it. Why were they all coming back at once?

When Harley found him, he was treating the Ferris wheel to a new coat of machine gun fire. She had to approach him carefully. Rocco was one of his most trusted henchmen and when he tried to talk to him in this state, Joker kneecapped him by accident. This time he was aiming a little higher, so double the care.

"Mistah J?" she asked loudly, trying to compensate the firing noise.

"Harley?" He asked, no trace of aggression in his voice. "What the hell are you doing here? I could have shot you, you lousy waste!" this time with more bark to it

"I was just… curious…" She said. She would have to tread lightly on this one. She was about to enter one of his most secretive and uncomfortable subjects

"Curious?" He said

"Yes. You always keeping saying those names but you never say anything about them. Do you remember anything else?"

"Of course I do! Their entire miserable lives, is what I remember! Edward Blake, the army veteran who went cuckoo after coming back from Afghanistan. What a looser! He saw people die and he turned into me?! Pathetic! Jerome Velaska, the boy who grew up in a circus and murdered his mother because she was a bitch. At least this one was fun before being me. Joseph Kerr, Jack Napier number one, Jack Napier number two… They're all pathetic. I loathe the thought of being them. There's no reason for me! My name is Joker, you hear me?! And I'm not me because my wife died or because I did some fucked stuff for the mob. Fuck you!" He screamed in anger, making Harley scared. He proceeded to pick up the machine gun and firing it at the Ferris wheel again.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH" And he kept on laughing and firing, the laughter matching the machine gun as if to compliment the situation. Soon, his laughter turned to tears. The Ferris wheel was a wreck at this point. Joker dropped to his knees and started a sob

Harley walked to him and started hugging him. It was a rare occasion. He hardly ever cried or felt actual human emotions. At one point, she started to question if he had any. But he did. It was rare, but when it happened, she was the only one there to see it. A tamed beast.

"Mr. J, tell me about them. All of them. Maybe we can laugh at them together?" she said with a smile

He did. He told about them all. Edward Blake, army veteran. Spent a few years on Afghanistan and got dishonorably discharged after gunning down a civilian woman he had raped a few days back. Crime, Red Hood, Acid. Jerome Velaska grew up in a circus and killed his mother. Crime, Red Hood, Acid. Jack Napier A, joined a gang to support his pregnant wife. Jack Napier B, mafia hit man…

"Sometimes I only get a name. Like Johnathan Kerr. Get it? Joe Kerr? Hihhihahaha! Even then, I'm a genius"

"Hahahahahahaha, you sure are, puddin" She laughed with him. The doubt still fresh in her mind. Why would a man so terrified of knowing his own name would ever want to get married?

It is hard for her to kick her habits as a shrink, so she keeps analyzing people left, right and center. The biggest mistake everyone made when trying to figure her puddin' out was to classify him as a sociopath. He was not incapable of relating to other people's feelings; he just found the painful ones absurdly hilarious. She just kept holding him and latching on to her second thoughts about this whole wedding thing. As if sensing her doubts, he turned to her

"Have you started making plans, pumpkin?" He asked her. He looked at her with a soft smile. A smile she liked to call 'indoors Joker'.

"Plans?" She asked him with a confused look.

"Yes! Plans for our wedding! Where you want it, when you want it, how you want it… Don't you broads daydream about this kind of thing all day?" He said. 'If Red ever heard him say this…' she thought

"Well… I did have a dream wedding, but I'm guessing the Gotham Cathedral, red roses and a frilly white dress are out of the question" She said with a small laugh.

"Why the hell would it be? We are the clown royalty of crime! We can hijack the entire city for our marriage! Hell, we could even invite your family. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." He started laughing loudly "I'm guessing the Plant and the Cat are gonna the bridesmaids, then?"

Then, she got it. He was doing it for the joke. Just picture it! The wedding of Joker and Harley Quinn at Gotham Cathedral while they hold the entire city hostage! Sure, the honeymoon at Arkham would not be fun, but the entire thing would be a blast to plan and execute. It was the scheme of a lifetime! She would have been offended if she weren't as excited for the whole thing as he was.

"Of course, puddin'. And Bats is gonna be your best man, right?" She asked him like it was obvious

"My best m…" He looked offended for a second and then stopped to think about it. He grinned as maniacally as he could

"Darlin'…" he said, looking at her "And people wonder why I keep you around"

 **Author's note:** The Edward Blake thing is a theory I loved about the Joker, so I decided to include it here as a possibility


End file.
